Staying because of children //Ask Mel
Updated: Oct 3, 2019
I’d love to know your opinion on staying in a relationship just because there are children involved. What are your thoughts on this topic?
Okay, as most people know that I became single at 20 years old with a toddler. I was a teenage mother and in a long relationship before I fell pregnant with Ayden.
My relationship was great. I was loved, I was cared for and we were extremely safe.
I had a man who loved his family and we were his priority.
I wanted to give this back ground information because I feel like it’ll clear up any confusion. With me answering this question.
Being a new mother can be overwhelming and sometimes we just need to realign ourselves with our partner to make things back to normal. Relationships aren’t easy, seriously! Whoever thinks they are, most likely isn’t in a serious one just yet.
This question to me comes with many different responses and they all apply to different situations.
First and foremost, if your relationship is any form of abuse (mental abuse, emotional or physical abuse) I 100% think out. Don’t stay, leave because that’s what’s good for you and your children. Abusers pass their behaviours down to their offspring without even knowing. Children can pick up this kind of behaviour and believe its normal.
I know this is easier said than done. But work towards leaving – don’t just pack and go without anything in place because it’ll be bloody hard and you’ll go back – Unless you need to get out now, then there are services I’ll link below to help you.
Save small amounts of money.
Seek advice from a doctor or a helpline, talk to people you TRUST AND ONLY PEOPLE YOU TRUST.
Ask for help.
Know it’s not easy but it’ll be worth it.
The first year.
Depending on the circumstances the first year of a baby’s life is FULL ON. Sometimes your relationship takes the back seat and it can feel as though you aren’t sure if you want this anymore. I feel like that people in these situations need to seek help from a professional together if they can’t communicate together very well. You never know your partner might be feeling the same way. As devastating as it may feel to hear you’d rather know you are both feeling it and either
A) Give it all you’ve got to try and get back on track
B) Give up.
I know what I’d choose.
Any other time.
Look I wasn’t really happy in the place I was any more emotionally. With myself, my relationship. I didn’t feel like we were growing together and that what I wanted to do with my life was different to his ideas. I was a teenager when we met, I was a teenager when we first lost our baby, I was a teen mother and I was an adult when we separated. We grew a lot together but also apart. He was older than me and we were just different.
I didn’t want to stay together just because of Ayden.
I feel as though I have been open enough to Nolan, in that if we weren’t improving or growing together that I wouldn’t stay where I was with him. I think our life is too short to be with someone miserable and stuck.
People do say just stay together for the children, I feel as though this is more damaging than not in the long run – I watched my parents do this. My children are growing up watching their parents love each other. Kiss each other, hug each other. I want them to see their surroundings are filled with love and support. I want my children to know that we fight, we argue – but that’s also okay. Kids are so resilient. They adapt to any situation that they’re put in with the right nurturing and love. A child in a loveless family is more toxic than a child in a separated family.
All decisions need to be 100% based on you.
Not your family or their views/values or your friends comments or ideas.
Its easy for someone to look in and see what you’ve shown them or they’ve seen. They don’t see what you don’t show them or they don’t hear.
We take on other people’s opinions in this situation and they either coax us or cheer us.
Make sure your people are really listening and your heart is being honest.
Let’s just say it again –
Relationships are bloody hard, how can I love someone who annoys me, doesn’t take the bins out and forgets to put the seat down? Easy. Because this is life, and as we are all well aware – nothing easy stays and someone who stays isn’t easy. Communication, hard work, nurturing and respect is the key.
Short answer? No. Don’t ever stay with someone just for the kids.
White Ribbon Australia - Here you'll find a lot of information like helplines, advice and more.
Human services - Defintions and advice
Both of these pages offer quick exit mode. I found the human services one offered really quick page delete and moved on incase you were being watched or someone walked in.
Advice for some relationship tools after baby.
*Please take note that this advice is just that, advice. Not professional advice. Always seek professional if needed.